You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
