We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
