I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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