How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't deserve a penis
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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