I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
