why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
