My nipple is on Facebook.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
