the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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