Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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