If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
