so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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