I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
