i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
