just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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