I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You're like the curious george of whores
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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