If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
