I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
