he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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