I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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