can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
