Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
