You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
