Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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