Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
this hospital has no fireball
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
