I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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