did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's official drugs can't kill me
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
