i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
