I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Please don't give away my fajitas
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
