Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
