You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
