Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
