I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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