Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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