so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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