So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
