soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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