its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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