I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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