Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
