omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
