I puked a lego.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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