Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
did i walk over a car last night?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
