Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
