What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
