Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
