He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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