Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
