I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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