I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
