I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
