I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
