a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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