I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
