Only a mothe r could love this liver
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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