He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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