Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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